


Trees

by Morethancupcake



Series: Honey and Butter [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholic Dean, Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autistic Castiel, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Jealous Castiel, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Panic Attacks, Photographer Castiel, Recovering Dean, Relapsing, Therapy, insensitive!Jo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-30
Updated: 2015-03-30
Packaged: 2018-03-20 11:11:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3648156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morethancupcake/pseuds/Morethancupcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Jo Harvelle is loud, and she jumps in Dean's arms. She puts her lips on his lips, and Castiel's heart breaks in two neat pieces."</p>
<p>Castiel meets Jo for the first time, and that night changes a lot of things between him and Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trees

**Author's Note:**

> Few peoples asked for a story a little more about Dean and his struggles with recovery. Someone asked for Castiel facing that kind of situation. So I tried.

Jo Harvelle is beautiful, and she's loud. She's visiting with her mother, and Dean considers her like a little sister.

Castiel hopes she'll like him, he hopes he won't embarrass Dean or Sam. Dean is happy, he's whistling in the car, and he tells Cas about how they used to spend their summer together, how fun it had been to stay with aunt Ellen. He kisses Castiel's fingers, one by one, and promises they'll love him. It's so easy to trust Dean.

Jo Harvelle is loud, and she jumps in Dean's arms. She puts her lips on his lips, and Castiel's heart breaks in two neat pieces. Or maybe into a myriad of little ones, he isn't sure. He just knows it hurts, a lot. She laughs at the face he makes, she laughs at him, and she speaks but he can't really understand because the bar is loud, it's hot inside, and he searches Dean's eyes, because he doesn't understand.

No one should kiss Dean except him. Unless he isn't Dean's anymore, and Dean isn't his.

"Are you okay, dude ?" Jo is loud, and she touches him, and he doesn't want to be touched. He wants to shoo her off, he wants to be left alone, but she doesn't understand. Dean is talking to Ellen, and Jo is focusing on him. She's beautiful, and she kissed Dean. "Are you simple or something ? I said hello, dude."

This hurts too. It's different. The kiss shattered his heart. This breaks him. He looks at the floor, and he says "Hello, Jo."

Jo Harvelle is beautiful, and she laughs. She laughs at him, at the way he acts. She calls him simple, and she grabs his arms. She exchange glances with another man, and they both laugh at how awkward he is. She kissed Dean.

"Dean told me you were special."

Special. He used to believe it was a compliment. He knows it isn't.

Ash is nice, nicer than Jo. He pries her fingers away, and he offers him a drink. 

Sam stays with him most of the night. They sit in a dark corner, and he talks. His voice is low and calm. He doesn't ask about what's wrong, because he knows Castiel can't talk right now. He tells him about books, about work. The stories aren't important. Sam is keeping him afloat, he's holding Castiel's fingers and he's smiling. From the corner of his eyes, Castiel can see Dean having fun. He sees the way Jo is looking at them. 

He sees the drink in Dean's hand, and he sees the rage and disappointment on Sam's face.

Sam takes them home, his shoulders are tense. Dean doesn't say a word, and Castiel is too busy looking at his hands. He remembers the Dean who used to drink. He remembers Jo's lips and the way she laughed at him. He closes his eyes and wish he could sleep like this forever.

 

"You mad at me ?" Dean's words are heavy, his speech isn't quite right. Castiel remembers this, he remembers the way things were. "I bet you knew I was going to disappoint you."

"You need to drink water, Dean, or you'll be sick." Drunk Dean is mean. His moves are quick, and his words are hurtful. Castiel regrets his place. He doesn't have anywhere to go, and it hurts Dean when he leaves. 

"What's wrong with you ? You've been weird all night." This Dean isn't mean, yet. He's looking at him with big green eyes, and he's worried. He drinks his water and waits for an answer. He smiles, even.

"Jo is loud." That's all he can say, because it's the starting point. Dean chuckles and he gets another glass of water. 

"Yeah, she is. You didn't like her, uh ?"

"She grabbed me." Dean smiles, and Castiel doesn't like that smile. It's not his usual smile, it's not one he knows. It looks like the one his mother used to have, when they tried to talk. Dean is tired of him being different. Special.

"Yeah, forgot to tell her about that. About you."

He doesn't ask "what is there to tell about me" because he gets it. Drunk Dean used to make him feel like this, like he wasn't right. Jo Harvelle makes him feel like that, too. It's been months since Castiel felt wrong. But it's very easy to feel that usual weight on his shoulders. He forgot how difficult it was to love him. 

"She kissed you." he adds, not able to stop himself, and he searches for Dean's eyes. He doesn't want much, he just needs Dean to acknowledge it isn't right for her to do so. They aren't supposed to kiss other people.

"So that's what it's all about." Drunk Dean is mean. His voice is hard, like his eyes. He's looking at Castiel like he wants to fight, like he wants to hurt. "I told her not to, are you really going to make this a thing ?"

"It is a thing !" Castiel can hear his own voice, it's loud, and it doesn't sound right. "She is not supposed to kiss you. She is not.."

"Stop being a child about it, Cas !" Dean shouts and it makes him jump and close his eyes. "I told her not to do it, but she doesn't listen. It means nothing !"

"How ? How could it mean nothing ?" Castiel puts his glass down too quickly, and it shatters in his hand. "I don't understand how you can..."

"You usually don't, no." Castiel doesn't watch Dean's eyes. Drunk Dean doesn't like to see him cry. It makes him mad. "I'm tired, Cas. I'm going to bed... you just... do whatever you need to do, okay ?"

"Yes Dean." It was usually the way a night with Dean would end, in the beginning. People say alcohol doesn't change you, it just reveals you. Dean is never mean to him, unless he's drunk. Dean never said things like this to him, unless he was drunk. 

He gets every little shards of glass, because he doesn't want Dean to get hurt in the morning. He thinks about his appartment. He wonders if the new people know about the petals, if they know they have to open the window for them to get inside. The night is a little cold, but he doesn't mind. He grabs his camera, and he leaves. 

He sleeps under his favorite tree, after walking for two or three hours, he doesn't really remember. 

He takes pictures after pictures, getting deeper and deeper into the woods. He can't hear anything, he can't feel anything. Outside, the sun starts to burn. He's strong and unforgiving, like Dean. Like Jo.

Here, in the dark, he's safe.

He doesn't stay in the forest for another night, mostly because he can smell a storm, and he doesn't want to risk his camera, and the pictures he took. He walks back to the city, avoiding he road and places where people could see him. He doesn't want to talk to anyone. 

Balthazar looks at him with tired eyes, and he doesn't say a word. He takes care of his clothes, and he lets him take a shower. Castiel feels bad for intruding, he doesn't know what to do.

Balthazar gives him soft pjs that smells like him. He makes him tea and toast, and he calls someone to say he won't be able to make it tonight. Castiel feels guilty. He feels wrong, again. His friend sits next to him and waits until he's ready to talk.

"She called me simple." He says. He hold on to his cup, because the tea is nice and warm. "She laughed at me, and she kissed Dean." Balthazar runs a hand on his hair, and it makes him feel better. 

"And did Dean do something about it ?"

"He was drunk. He's mean when he's drunk."

"Yes, I remember that about him." Balthazar's fingers are nice on his scalp. Castiel wants to sleep, but he isn't sure he's allowed to sleep here. Maybe Balthazar doesn't want him here anymore. Maybe he's tired of Castiel too.

"Am I that difficult to love, Baz ?" Castiel doesn't like his voice. He doesn't like how defeated he sounds. "I am trying, but is it so difficult to love me ?" He must've said something wrong, because the grey eyes are full of tears, and the fingers aren't moving anymore. "I'm sorry. I'll just go now."

Balthazar kisses between his eyes. It's weird, and a little loopsided, but it's not unpleasant. It makes him feel safe, oddly. He saw mothers kiss their children like that, and he didn't understand how comforting it could be. 

"You're an angel, remember ? You're perfect, Cassie. You're perfect and loving you is as easy as breathing."

"Not to most people." he tries to object, but Balthazar holds his face between his palms, and his smile is soft and gentle. 

"Then they are the broken ones, Cassie, not you. Never you."

They fall asleep in the big bed that smells like lavender, and he's okay with his friend being under the covers with him now. He knows he's safe. 

"Sam, Gabriel and me, we love you. Just as you are." 

He tries to wraps himself into their love. He misses Dean.

 

Dean apologizes, and goes back to therapy. It's the first time he slipped, and he's depressed and scared. He holds on to Castiel's hand in the waiting room, and he hugs him with something like fear, his eyes glassy when they part.

Dean's therapist is funny, and direct. She doesn't talk to Castiel as if he's broken. She gets him, and it's refreshing.

"Dean is afraid you'll leave again." she says, and he has to nod.  
"Dean is hurt by the pattern of your fights. You run away, and then you go to Balthazar. He doesn't know how to process this relationship." she says, and Dean hides his face into his hand.   
"Dean needs to be able to talk to you, and to lean on you during recovery, even if he messes up." 

Castiel nods, brows knitted together. He is hard to love, but Dean loves him anyway. Dean is sick, and he needs him to be strong. He wants to try.

Castiel holds his hand in his, and guides him back to their house. He makes him tea, and he tells him he should be proud of the months without the alcohol. He should remember how strong he is, and forget about the guilt. He'll start again, and Castiel will help.

They don't talk about the fight, they don't really need to. Castiel doesn't kiss Dean's lips anymore. He avoids the Harvelles, and he doesn't want to meet other people. 

Misouri asks about that, she says Dean needs Castiel to talk, to say what's wrong, so he can try to fix it. 

"She called me simple." he says. "She kissed Dean and she called me simple. She said Dean said I was special."

Dean's eyes are sad and worried. He holds on to Castiel's hand and the room is silent. Castiel doesn't want to fight again, he doesn't want to remember that night. He looks through the window and he wonders about the bees. He thinks about their pattern, and the way he seems to be bound to the same rules, having to go to the same places over and over again.

Dean's voice brings him back to the room, to Missouri and Dean's worried faces. 

 

He sees Sam more often. He doesn't really understand the relationship between his best friend and his brother, but apparently Sam is very happy to spend more time with him. They read in silence, like they used to when Dean was just a name and a shadow in the kitchen. Sam smiles and walks with him to watch the bees. He asks about Castiel's pictures, and he begs until Castiel teaches him how to collect the honey. 

Sam babbles around Cas, he's like a puppy, always happy to see him, always ready to go out, to follow him around. Sam chuckles when Castiel tells him about the grey butterflies in his head, he smiles and says :

"It's so easy to love you, Cas. You don't even realize how happy you make us feel. You make me feel." Sam makes them tea when they're home from the forest, drenched to the bones. He makes the house alive and warm again. He cooks pasta and puts on music. He makes a mess in the kitchen, and it makes Dean happy. Dean looks at him from the other side of the kitchen, and their smiles aren't as forced as the ones before. They both look at Sam, and how delighted he is to spend the evening with them. 

Sam sleeps on their couch, and Castiel kisses Dean's cheek softly when they're getting ready to bed. 

 

"Is it usually how it is ?" he asks Dean, one night, when they're watching the TV show about a doctor with red boots. Dean looks at him with that eyebrow thing he does when he needs more context. "These characters, they aren't exactly... monogamous. Is it how it's supposed to be ?"

"What are you talking about, Cas ?" Dean doesn't seem to understand.

"Is it usually like that between to people in love ? Is it normal for me to go and be with other people ?"

Dean is silent. He drinks from his soda, and searches for the correct answer, it seems. "People make their own rules, I guess. Some people won't mind, I suppose. Some people are okay with it."

"Are you one of them ?" Castiel doesn't know what he'll do if Dean says yes. He feels like it's something Dean should've said from the start. Castiel is good with rules. He could've tried, maybe.

"No." Dean is looking at him, now, TV completely forgotten. It's almost as if he's scared too. "I don't want you to be with anyone else. And I don't want to be with anyone else. Do... do you ?"

"No." Castiel shakes his head, lost in his thought. "But you said... you said it wasn't important."

"It wasn't. Honestly, Cas, I swear." Dean takes his hands in his, and he's almost pleading. "Jo does that, it's a prank. It means nothing."

"So it's okay if Balthazar kisses me ? Or Sam ?" Dean is silent. "It's ok when it's not important , but it's not if the kiss means something ?" Castiel takes his hands back. He's frowning, and he can feel his chin shaking a little. "I don't really like it."

He goes to their bed, and he falls asleep holding his pillow to his face. In the morning, when Dean tries to talk to him, soft voice and soft hands, Castiel feels fat tears on his cheeks. He hides in his boyfriend's chest until it's okay to breathe. Dean holds him close and hides with him under the covers. He runs his fingers into the mess of Castiel's hair, and he kisses his forehead softly.

"Balthazar kisses my forehead, sometimes." he says. "When I'm sad, or when I'm crying." Dean nods, and he kisses him again. 

Castiel traces Dean's lips with his fingers, then with his own lips. They make love, and it's a little too desperate to be sweet. Dean's fingers leave traces on his hips, on his shoulders. Dean cries afterward, his beautiful face tucked into his neck. Castiel traces patterns on his shoulders. He holds Dean close and kisses his fingers one by one. 

They take a shower together, and they wander to the kitchen still holding hands. Deans makes them sandwiches, and Castiel looks at him, this man, his man, with new eyes. He takes his camera and takes pictures, he wants to remember this, the light from outside, and Dean's smile. The sun and the freckles, and Dean's eyes smiling at him.

Dean smiles at him, and Castiel think he'll never be as happy as he is now. Jo's words, the kiss, drunk Dean's come back. It's nothing compared to the way Dean blushes and laughs. It's nothing compared to the taste of the apple Dean is cutting for them. 

"We should get married." he says, and he guesses it was a good thing to say, because Dean's eyes are wide. "We should invite Sam, and Gabriel, and we should have a party. I want us to get married." and then, because Dean is blushing even harder, and his eyes are full of tears, Castiel puts his camera away, and he puts his hands on Dean's face, cupping his cheeks, getting lost in the green eyes. The kitchen is full of dust, and it shines around him in the light. "Dean, please. Marry me ?"

Dean laughs and he cries, and it's only when Dean's fingers are wiping his cheeks Castiel realizes he's crying too.

He takes more pictures, Dean long body next to his, sitting on the kitchen floor, his naked skin shining in the sunlight. He's smiling, softly, and they kiss, soft and sweet, nothing like the hunger and the want from before.

"Ask me again, when I'm sober ?" Dean asks, and Castiel promises. "Ask me again when we're ready ?" He drinks his tea, cold now, and Castiel takes more pictures, because he wants to. He's a little tired of trees, and flowers, and he thinks maybe he could try to portray people, too. Dean is beautiful in the light, they eat, naked on the floor, and Sam screams in horror when he pushes the front door, a huge box of donuts in hand.

 

Missouri is happy with them. She's happy they decided to wait. She's happy they're talking, and trying. She says "I think you need to talk about that night. To finally talk about that fight." and they both lose their smiles.

Dean talks first. It's hard, his words are like rocks, falling into a swamp and getting muddy water everywhere. He looks into Castiel's eyes, and he tells him he's sorry about Jo. He's sorry about the kiss, and he's sorry about their words. 

Castiel breathes a few times, and his fingers leave Dean's with white prints on the skin. He's scared, he wishes Chuck could be there too. He thinks about their kitchen, and the light, and the taste of the apple. He says he's sorry he left and went to Balthazar. He's sorry he wasn't there to help Dean in the morning, and he's sorry about shutting him out.

Missouri is looking at them with kind eyes. "Well, that was easy, right ?" Dean chuckles and Castiel nods. "Well now that you cleared up the easy things, I want you to really talk about that night. To tell each other what you think you can't."

Castiel wants to lose himself in the trees again, he wants to escape, to leave this place because everything he burried still hurts so much, and he can't, he can't because he's supposed to be strong, for Dean. Fingers are touching his face, cupping his jaw and bringing him back. Where it matters, where it's safe, locked under the green of Dean's eyes.

"I'm sorry I drank." he says. "I'm sorry I couldn't see you needed help."

"I'm sorry I'm special." he says. "I'm sorry I couldn't see you needed help too."

"You're not... special." Dean is holding his face, and it's difficult to escape. He could start to sing in his head, or to list everything he needs during a day, but he doesn't, because it's Dean. "Not the bad kind. You are special because you need my hand, sometimes, but I am too." The gruff voice break on the last word. "I need you so much, Cas. I'm sorry I can't function normally, and I'll probably always need you to hold my hand and remind me I can do it." He's crying now, but it's not the crying that punches holes into Castiel's chest. Dean looks hopeful, and almost relieved. "So you need to tell me. Tell me when you need me too, tell me what's wrong, so I can fix it, Cas."

"I want to be normal." Dean's fingers twitch, but they don't leave his face. They start to stroke his skin gently, and it's as if there's a thread connecting these gentle pass to his eyes, because suddenly everything is drowning in tears. "I could take care of you. I could laugh with everyone, and understand." Dean wipes at his tears, and it's so annoying, because he never felt like this, so inadequate before. He's angry. He's angry he's so wrong. "I want to be normal, so you could love me."

Missouri pushes a big box of tissues next to them, and she leaves, the heavy mahogany door clicking behind her. Castiel sobs, he sobs like he never did before. He wails like a baby, and Dean holds him close, crushes him against his chest. He sobs and Dean keeps him safe, whispering I love yous and sweet nothing to his hears. 

"Is there anything you need to tell Castiel, Dean ?" Missouri asks, back with a tray, tea and cakes, and one little white pill she leaves so Castiel can decide if he needs it or not. 

"I don't want him to be normal, whatever normal is." Castiel is still holding his hand, he doesn't want to let it go already, but it shocks him so much he almost does. Dean is smiling. "Never change, Cas. I love you so much, please don't change." They kiss, and it's a mess of snot and tears and Dean tastes a little bad, but it's okay. 

 

Balthazar laughs at the pictures of himself he spots on the table. "You sure know how to make me feel good about myself" he jokes and kisses Castiel's face, making him frown and bat him away. Dean laughs too, and Castiel notes again how they managed not to fight from the moment his friend entered their home. He likes the shot of Balthazar in his kitchen, still sleepy, wearing his glasses and drinking tea. It's probably not glamourous, and Gabriel had said it was probably too intimate for his taste, but he likes it. And Dean likes it too. 

He wants to do a whole work just around portraits, he wants to show people what he's seeing when he watches them. So far Dean and Sam had been thrilled about his pictures, telling him they didn't know they could look like that. It's not unlike taking pictures in the forest, waiting for the perfect moment, the perfect light. 

Balthazar smiles, and he accepts the cup of coffee Dean is handing him. "You know I trust you, Cassie. Pick what you think is the best, then we'll work on a selection to show your usual clients, what do you think ?"

 

He's taking pictures of Sam when it happens. His hair tied, his tall body folded in two, his hands carefully handling the muslin cloth full of honey. Castiel trusts him with it now, he trusts him with the bees, and the honey. Sam looks younger, he babbles about flowers, and the ecosystem, and Dean makes fun of them, getting the jars ready. Gabriel is studying the pictures on Cas' tablet, and he looks at his little brother with something like awe, a look Castiel isn't used to. 

"Cassie, I knew you were good, but not that good. I mean, Dean-o here almost looks like a human being !" Sam laughs, and misses the jar, the honey dripping on his shoes and his foreharm. Castiel remembers a time this would've been impossible for him. The noise, and the mess, Sam wiping his sticky fingers on Cas' fingers and Dean's face, and the chaos around him. 

"Well, laugh all you want, drawf, but I always knew Cas was good. It'll be amazing, you'll see." Dean is wiping the honey with a sponge, and he's cackling at the face Sam is making when more honey drips on his skin. He's a little heavier, and his face doesn't look so sullen and hard. He laughs so much he's almost crying, and Castiel takes another picture, because he looks free, and happy, miles away from drunk Dean.

"My models are incredibly good looking. It helps." Castiel grins at the three different blushing faces he sees through the lens. Dean kisses him, quick and dirty, and Gabriel shouts obscenities at them until they stop, laughing. 

"You guys are disgusting. Like, utterly and completely disgusting. Can't you just do like the rest of the world, marry, move in to an horrible house in the suburbs and hate each other forever ?"

Dean catches his eyes, it's a handful of seconds, it's almost nothing, but Castiel gets his camera and keeps it safe, because he knows. He knows, and he's grinning like a maniac, and he keeps his eye ready when Dean starts :

"Well, speaking of wedding..."

**Author's Note:**

> You can, as always, find it here : http://iwanttopizzamanyou.tumblr.com/post/115055619129/trees
> 
> As usual, it's the part where I'm telling you kudos, likes and comments make my day. Thank you for reading.


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